So, I woke up to an empty bottle of scotch and a dead car. The last thing I remember are the strippers being mad at me. Awesome night.
Feels good to be wearing underwear again though...
she's like "i'm so proud of u" ... and then i threw up on myself
YOU SUCK AT REPLYING IM IRRESPOSNIBLY DRUNK WHAT THE FUCK ARE YOU DOING WITH YOU LIFE. celebrate the magicness with me.
I don't want to die alone with cake watching shows about cake
Just found out I own a pyramid. Fuck your good grades, I'm living in my pyramid.
Mom brought home a 36 pack of Smirnoff and was all "ring any bells?" and then winked. I'm scared. What does she know?
i just want to attach a dildo to the ceiling and ride it like a gay spiderman.
Please send me a thumbs up pic afterwards. No homo. After you've redressed and are heading for the walk of shame out of course
Next time I feel awkward in a situation I'm going to just yell "free bird!!!!" Like some redneck at lynyrd skynyrd show
Woke up backwards on a recliner
had a dream you helped me fill my shoes with yogurt. we were even like "why didn't we think of this before?!" like it was just so obvious
that sounds like something we'd do... we're onto something here
I AM NOT LOSING TO SOME FICTIONAL CROSSDRESSER
I just want to see his penis in the light. Is that a crime?
i was making a gravity bong in my room and my dad walked in. he helped me finish. i love being home for the holidays.
I never thought I'd be complaining about having sex 4 times a day, but here we are...
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