I'm kindof freaked out about my cock not getting up this morning. Cove over later so I can sort this out. Do not post this on texts from last night.
Damn that would have been a great one. Hahah and don't worry...
I feel like Captain Hook just gave me a pap smear.
You know, Peter Parker would not have been nearly as cool if he had gotten bitten by an ant.
anyone who says 'i love you' and then followed by 'im going to call the cops if you touch me' doesnt really mean the first part fyi
Last night when I was hammered I set a reminder to tell you that your boobs are my favorite ones in the world, so this is me giving you that message.
Now they're talking about doing whiskey shots since they're flipping the turkey over. You might need to drive me home.
Apparently I texted my high school english teacher asking her to tell me what logical fallacies she taught us three years ago.
Didn't get the job. Searched for my references on FB and saw the pic of me weighing my head passed out.
She bent over while grinding on me on the dance floor and her thong straps were hanging out, I thought it was a good idea to grab the straps with both hands and pretend to be riding in Santa's sleigh...not my brightest moment.
Well if homeless lesbian experimenting divorcée is your new M.O., you're gonna need to start drinking more anyway so if that's what it takes to talk about it tomorrow afternoon, bottoms up bitch
Just got stuck in an elevator on campus with a ton of British guys. My pants almost pulled themselves down.
So I definitely tried to pay a cab with baseball tickets last night
Uh I almost got the bride to go down on me. I'm the smoothest maid of honor ever.
... why is there baby oil , black socks and frozen hot dogs in the sink this morning ?
i have to pee so bad and he is sleeping and idk where the bathroom or my clothes are!!!
Randomize
