I never want a future conversation of ours to include the words "quart of semen" in it
I called the bar to ask if they found my Id and credit card and they remembered me as 'the girl who signed her receipt in blood'
The dog threw up again, this time IN the toilet. I've taught him well.
you realize that if you hadn't mouthed "we're getting laid tonight", i wouldn't have woken up with your ex this morning. just sayin
i'm not sure when i reached "slam my own hand in the door" status but my half attached fingernail is not grateful.
how did my horoscope know i was too hungover to operate a stove.
She lost her glasses and we found them on the roof. Don't ask questions. Kings cup was intense last night.
God he's so convenient, drugs, an parties all in one person. He's like the Walmart of delinquency.
I may or may not have puked in the ladies room. Now I get to convince my client to go to substance abuse treatment. Oh, the irony.
So just what does one wear when attending a sex toy party with ones mother-in-law?
Jeans and a nice top.
Somehow I ended up in a different costume dancing with some tree of a guy in the basement bathroom, what did you give me?
Her weave came out on the dance floor. She was twerking and shaking one minute and her hair flew across the dance floor the next. Great way to be introduced to the family
I definitely don't have enough experience with hookers to be in this group text anymore.
And he put my hair in my clip while i blew him...and he did a good job
My boss just texted me, clearly drunk, and said get down here pronto with a handle of rum, 50 lbs. of cold cuts, and a BB gun. This is not why I went to law school.
Randomize
