I dont understand how a fully grown man could convince himself that lime green crocks would look good on him.
Dude I'm telling you, conditioner is the best for jerking it in the shower. It feels great and afterwards everything is all smooth
There was jim beam in your oven. I just preheated it.
I just told my boyfriend I think I might be pregnant using Emoji icons....
which icon did you use to tell him he's not the father?
We made a percocet pizza. And then i made an unfortunate decision.
I think I just puked all over my comforter and my roomdmate won't wakt up to washc it for me
I'm watching this guy on intervention hospitalized for liver damage. He's drinking the hand sanitizer in the hospital room. Say hello to your future.
Tell me you remember me getting a tampon from the girl throwing up in the next stall
You had me sold at "fucking you down the slide"
They said an hour before I even see a doctor...and they noticed the shots tally on my arm.
Someone at all my grapes... if it was you or one of your hoodrat friends I swear to god I'll shit in your shampoo
That stripper was not happy when I tried putting a dollar in her court mandated ankle bracket/tracking device
I may or may not have hooked up with the cop who arrested me.. Or I can cross hooking up with a stripper in a cop outfit off my bucket list.
Yeah, I probably need some combination of electric shock, massive quantities of LSD, and enough couch time time to make Woody Allen say "Enough".
Got a blowjob while watching James Bond's "Octopussy." My 13 year old self would be so proud
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