My husband just tried to seduce me by saying we can do it doggystyle so you can watch tv
He better hope I dont die soon. Because I would haunt his bitch ass and cock block 24/7
You were so drunk that some guy dressed as Harry Potter pointed his wand at you and screamed "Accio SHITSHOW"
So my date night ended with us watching porn with his roommate.
Go to petsmart and tell me if the dog trainer is the guy I slept with friday. Thanks.
I can't wait for round whatever # we're on tonight.
Do Not. I repeat. DO NOT DRINK WHISKEY TO COPE. You will end up in jail. LEARN FROM THE PRO
The guy I met last night said we had a real connection and gave me his AA coin because he met me during his relapse
I walked into a McDonalds at 8:30 am with a half-eaten apple and a solo cup. Never felt so judged.
It's gameday bitch. Man up.
Turns out the guy I peed on gave me a ride back to my dorm this morning.
You are a god.
I've never seen a guy eye-fuck someone so hard in my entire life. I thought he would develop laser vision, bore holes into your body, and not even realize your innards would be spilling everywhere. That's how bad it was.
I will forever remember this as The Great Jalepeno Cock Burn of 2014.
Blizzard, Hour 9: I'm 7 beers deep and have finished Ninja Turtles. I am listening to the NYPD and Nassau Fire Dept pipes and drums and writing new drum scores in my head, which I may or may not remember tomorrow
I want to bone him until his eyes fall out
We told the cop that we were playing soccer, in flip flops, and 2:30 in the morning. It was raining and i had board shorts on. He bought it, lets go get drunk
Randomize
