I just had to pull over at a starbucks to throw up in the bathroom. They really should not have let me be a lawyer.
3 complete strangers have joyously high-fived me on campus today. Tell me why, starting after jager bomb #4.
On my way home right now. I miss you. let's cuddle. whiskey.
You peed in my camelbak and said it was a reverse catheter. Not cool.
he couldnt get it up, so i stole his lighter. i needed to have some reason to say the night wasnt wasted
It was like an alcohol war zone and you left a soldier behind.
Well would you like to come over anyway? I will be wearing sweatpants and disappointment. Also, I have Jack Daniels and I've managed to get drunk in under half an hour. But my boobs look awesome.
The last time I thought I had a UTI, I ended up having herpes. Sooo.. This time in preparing myself for cancer or death.
time out. can we just pause the wholesome understanding friendship thing and be fuck buddies for a night?
we need a secret handshake
It took me half an hour to realize I didnt know them
One of my favorite March activities is cropdusting people while wearing a kilt.
If you had asked me 10 years ago where I thought I'd be right now at 26 years old, I can bet you one million dollars that "tweezing out my nose hairs before I go in to get laser hair removal on my upper lip" would NOT have been the answer
this isn't the first time drunken padiddle ended in a fist fight..
It's like his penis moved in and did some interior decorating without telling me first...
He was so drunk last night. He woke up out of a dead sleep at 330am, walked over to the dresser, opened his middle drawer and proceeded to pee. When I woke up and asked him Wtf he was doing, he told me it was fake pee and blamed it on the cat...we don't have a cat
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