Oh, and no balcony sex...trust me.
After throwing up, the toothpaste tasted so good. Thank you for not letting me eat it.
How dare she call you insensitive. Should have told her about the time you let that girl in the wheelchair wearing the sombrero blow you.
Text me if you also stopped reading harry potter in the 4th grade and wanna go to the bars tonight instead of the midnight premiere
You know how I got mad at him for making out with his formal date? Apparently I fucked mine. I'm guessing any exclusivity is out of the question.
I am as serious as getting herpes in Mexico...
What do herpes have to do with anything?
Apparently we were arguing for captain seats so I shouted "who has your virginity." I got the seat.
I tried to convince the Lobo Card people to take my pic with my sunglasses on because I will probably always be this hungover.
And on the seventh day, God carefully sculpted your cock to fit perfectly into my masterpiece of a vagina. Then he rested. Look it up.
hey sorry if you felt me holding your hand in the middle of the night I was actually just checking if you had a pulse
He needs to seriously stop texting me at 3am for sex. Late night and early morning hours are for the guys who DON'T bust a nut in the first 5 minutes of making out.
Yeah minute men are best for late afternoons when you're inbetween running errands and have nothing to do.
HIV testing and a light brunch. Sounds like a great way to spend Christmas Eve.
Maybe you'll have a Christmas miracle
Just pee around me
He has a syndrome called asshole. And it flares up 24/7.
I have a dinner date combo blowjob event with Tristan tonight.
Randomize
