I woke up this morning with I hate myself feeling
She took her shirt off and was broader than Dwight Howard.
you came home covered in oatmeal wearing a tutu holding a stolen wrotting pumpkin and "its a girl" balloons tied around your neck.you were whispering the lyrics to aaron carters 'aarons party'. i think the real question was what DIDNT you drink last night
I don't think I can fit "I'm sorry for ruining Christmas" on one cake. Better make two.
I just watched a guy pee from a second floor window onto the line of 100 people waiting to get in.
booty call hours are between 1:30-3:00 AM thurs-sat with the exception of major drinking holidays and election days. please try again
Also txt me when you take your first dump of the year... I'd like to synchronize if that's at all possible.
I'm responsible for my client's overall well-being. Which is terrifying coming from someone that can't stop masturbating and eats leftover pizza just about everyday.
I'd be 10x more excited if going out didn't require pants or the general giving of fucks
Depending on which video of him streaking you watch, you can see me passed out in the front row.
my experiences serve only to benefit you young virgin
Remind me to tell you: When threeways go awry, my MLK weekend story.
Just to let you know we went to the circus yesterday...in case you didn't remember
"They won't do it. I'm in the middle of darkness. " and "Probably going to die. I've been walking for 50 minutes in one direction" are the last texts I got from Steve
Once you start using "cuddles" as a code word for sex you'll never get real cuddles again
Randomize
