When I went to court, my judge's name was Honorable Ball. I couldn't stop laughing.
that probably didn't help your case.
I told them you could toss a salad like wolfgang puck
No, he will live forever, like cockroaches and Jack Bauer.
My dealer, who also happens to be a male stripper, just invited me to watch him perform tonight. Boundaries buddy, boundaries.
seriously who else gets carried home puking from a fucking mary kay party?
I want to start this convo out by apologizing for the broken toaster.
Dude, just be careful. Her invitation for BJ is just a trap for her to stick her finger up your ass.
Im invoking the "no judgements" clause of our friendship.
My god, what have you done?
Nothing too major over here lately. Just had a date with an ex-internet porn star turned lawyer. He said: "at my 3rd burning man I taught a workshop on BDSM" and I knew it was going to be a fun night.
Hey man, when I left for work she was laying on the couch naked cuddling your keurig, can you clean that mess up?
We need to stop going on dates to the strip club.
Not saying I'm a lesbian. Just saying that every time she walks by I wanna scissor her
i like him enough to wash my sheets.. but not enough to finally get that pink lemonade and vodka slushy stain out of my carpet
I think we have some hyper-understanding of each other when drunk, because looking back at our text convo from last night, they were literally just jumbled letters.
We have ur drink. Mom passed out in the bathroom. I'm goin to the other bathroom. Bs at the top of the stairs on way outside.
Randomize
