i was just outside smoking and i saw a hooker sing "i wish i knew who your daddy was" to her new born baby. someone explain to me why i ever left chicago to go to college...
This is why I shouldn't be left alone with liquor and anticipation.
you announced to everyone at the bar "fuck girls. they're confusing. im gonna start having sex with boys now"
Passed out for 3 hrs til now to wake up naked on my bed covered with grass from drunk slip and slide I would call that success
We left the window open. My vibrators funeral is at 2ish.....bring a side dish or some shit.
Send me the video of myself under the polar bear skin. It's important.
I just windexed my mirror headboard, Lets get to work.
She actually was beyond drunk but she for some reason kept calling herself a demigod and made me drive her to a bookstore
soon, soon....
I don't believe you anymore. You're like the boy who cried coitus.....
cops woke me up on the sidewalk and asked where my shoes are.. fuck if i know, im sleeping on the sidewalk! actually i didnt say that, i just cried until they gave me a ride home.
I've never heard "I will drown your mother in vanilla pudding" as an insult before, and then last night happened.
Sometimes intelligent conversation doesn't mix well with a romantic interest. It's possible the two are best kept separate. Toys should just stay in the toy box.
I was at a hookups house and peed in his sink so I wouldn't wake up his mom... drunk me is on a different level
Oh? And how would you explain this to your kids?
"Well pumpkin, when mommies and daddies have loved each other so much for a really long time, sometimes they trade off with other mommies and daddies"
I'm sitting in the car vaping at an elementary school to try and deal with the stress of existing. About how i thought being 30 would go for me tbh
Randomize
