it's not cheating when I paid for it
literally. a puddle of blood. on the floor. still searching for the source
In hindsight, buying 4 different kinds of vibrators at once may have been a little overenthusiastic of me.
I have a plus one for the Blackout Express, should I pen in your name?
You know me. im down for anything that could harm my well being. lets dress like dolphins so everyone will see what dicks they are.
told our landlord the hole in the wall was from your head during drunk sex..
how did he take it?
not as well as i would have thought
well this is gonna sound really bad but we were fooling around on sandra's electrical wheelchair
I'm at work. It's margarita night. Someone literally just shouted "MURICUH!"
God bless us, everyone.
Just wait til you visit, there will be an endless supply of fresh dick for your demand #economics
Why did I wake up to a snap chat of myself drinking beer out of a blender?
We will walk in fields of dick.
You seriously need to stop quoting those songs when i'm with my parents.
And you are going to be so turned on by my batman skills later
She thought I was dancing but I just couldn't catch my balance for 11 blocks.
I duct taped a bottle of vodka to the back of your closet while you were sleeping in case of emergencies. Go rip it off, it's going to be a long night.
I'm too depressed to drink my wine. That is what I would call a serious problem
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