I was looking at some smoking pipes on amazon the other day and realized that work people could look at my history and do a drug test. So I immediately started looking at Sherlock Holmes hats.
come over. we are watching hoarders and playing i spy.
How do I recover from singing "your body is a wonderland" on his voicemail?
Any coincidence your getting married tomorrow and it's the most predicted day for the rapture? Just saying
Good call on the strip club last night. Everytime i smell some flowery candle or air freshener I get transported back to having my face firmly planted in Riah and Desire's tits.
You're welcome.
just got home. some guy on my porch is tryin to show me his balls. no more parties at my apartment.
I'm out of mixers so I am using sugar water. Times are tough.
You'd think, but when you nail one sorority sister, you might as well have nailed them all.
Eating an ice cream sandwich while your little bro gets me weed. May I adopt him?
There is a mobile STD testing unit set up at my place of employment. In the lunchroom. I may need to reevaluate my career choices. And my lunch plans.
Just applied for assistance with paying my hospital bill from my alcohol poisoning at age 16 while still a little drunk from last night. What is my life.
Circle of life?
What did he say?
NOTHING. GODDAMN HIM AND HIS MAGICAL PENIS!
You gave your one night stand my number. I told him you left for your sex change an hour ago.
I WOULD NEVER LIE ABOUT SOMETHING AS SERIOUS AS SABADO GIGANTE BEING CANCELED
I came home and my mom goes "why are you barefoot and where the hell are your shoes?" and I replied "I have French fries"
Randomize
