God help me. Come pick me up. The guy told me this is not a hotel and i had to leave.
Google if cops ever smoke weeds and then bust them. I need to know immidiately.
You were eating microwaved pad thai out of a solo cup with a pair of scissors....
just when i thought we would make it home without incident he tried to walk a police dog
Just met me in 10 years...this lady keeps an emergency wine cooler in her bag
Just saw a dude in a banana costume get beat down by a one shoed black dude wearing a kilt...paninis is such a shit show after 10 on a Saturday
He left his shoes, boxers and socks at my house & managed to walk home to his dorm without realizing anything was missing until 3 days after. That's the last time i'll ever hook up with a freshman.
And after getting thrown out of the frat house, getting carried up the hill for a half an hour, puking 5 times, and almost getting stopped by campus security, she still insisted he sleep with her. Gotta give her credit, even blacked she kept her eyes on the prize
I barely remember the girls that I got pregnant, you think I'm gunna remember the ones that played handball
He peed in the bird bath. Those birds are gonna be pissed
You really could become the cat lady we've always dreamed of.
someone needs to name a hurricane after you
you smell like vanilla and daddy issues
The only thing I remember is the 300 pound man breaking ur railing from sliding down it at 3 am. Must of been a good night.
My life is over, I got a mugshot while wearing a shirt that said 'milf hunter'.
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