I have a feeling we are going to become cougars together.
Peanut Butter and turkey sandwich...this may come back to haunt me
i guess its not very common for a paramedic to have to revive someone who was struck by a falling shampoo bottle while getting off from the bathtub faucet.
You know how I know he's a virgin? He's wearing transition lenses.
herpes texted me again. he says he wants my vagina.
ok we should really consider changing this guys nickname...
My epitaph should read "Margaritas: she never learned"
truck drivers should not leave their trucks unlocked with cigarettes inside when we're drunk and walking around.
Look. You've gotta stop making this about you, and make it about my vagina.
I was woken up at 4am by a stranger shaking my foot who said I looked like I needed a cigarette.
THIS CHICK IS LIKE SOME SORT OF HOOKER HOUDINI.
I hate ovaries. They're horrible little sacs of satanic enmity.
That's the most poetic description of female anatomy I've ever heard.
I wish I could take a screenshot of how things literally look from my eyeballs right now
A seagull just tried to steal my cellphone
I sharted in my christmas pjs :(
so does the amount of bruises on my arms and legs mean we had fun last night?
Randomize
