he said i was chugging vodka in the parking lot, gave my # to a married man, started a food fight, and passed out at the bar. how could he NOT consider that a good first date???
Maury Povich's contact info is in our database at work...i should steal it right?
Hooked up with my first aid and cpr teacher last night. She dressed as a lifeguard and brought me back to life. Beat that.
I know I said I wouldn't, but he told me I looked like Mila Kunis. Reasons not to fuck him, go.
He came on my face. Threw a towel at me. Stole my weed. And left. I thought this would be over after we graduated?
she sent me pictures of 3 different vaginas and if I could pick which one was hers i could sleep with her.
I was always good at matching as a child.
Me and your penis are best friends. You don't know it, but I whisper my secrets whenever I give you blowjobs. We even have a secret handshake. We can't be separated from each other. We just can't.
first one here with a pint of chicken lo mein, aspirin, and diet green tea ginger ale, gets a full effort bj the day after tomorrow.
Hey. Me and my buddy are drunk. you wanna give us tattoos of the hawaiian punch guy we shall pay very well. Seriously dude. no bull shit.
Do you think it's illegal to work at a bar if you're on probation for a DUI? I need a night job where I can meet men.
You know, having a conversation evolve from attractive men to roommate orgies would be weird with anyone else, but you get me.
i'll fuck you during the next apocalypse. promise
I'm gonna take a crap in the portashitter like a civilized human being.
He yelled "I'm Bruce Springsteen!" when he came. This is why I don't sleep with guys from Jersey.
I'm not in the business of asking people about their lizard
I meant his actual lizard not his manhood
Randomize
