i only shaved half my leg
on purpose
I told the cop it was my birthday and he said "happy fuckin birthday", handcuffed me and threw me in the back of the cop car.
I'm not sure if what i'm hearing downstairs is sex or not, but if it is, it sounds like there's a dog involved...i'm mildly concerned.
Does the phrase 'traumatizing near-threesome' mean anything to you.
His roommate just snorted a line of Smirnoff off the desk. I could really fit in here.
He handled me like a finger puppet on crack... Time to ice the vagina, I'd like to sit down sometime today.
Apparently unused tampons can also double as things to bite down on during public sex to prevent screaming...
After the 3rd shot, she was running around singing, "Twinkle Twinkle Big Ol' Dick, on your happy place I'll sit" to your brother.
Put that bitch's torch out. She's been voted off.
He's against "violent sex" cause apparently my body is "sacred". Like dude I'm about to tell you about blowing your brother just so you'll fuck me like an animal Jesus Christ....
Here is your half hour reminder. Meet you at emergency room.
Please tell me that SOMEONE, SOMEWHERE, has created a drink called a 'Tequila Mockingbird'. PLEASE.
Face washed and sleeping pill taken. Here's hoping for a more sex filled tomorrow.
Would it be irresponsible to use my tax refund for a boob job?
Yes. Highly encouraged though.
Pumped to get "pass out-wake up in Berlin-buy a chinchilla" drunk?
Was not aware that standing loudly up off the couch and loudly, drunkenly slurring "I'M EIGHTEEN NOW BITCHES" counted as a primitive mating call.
Randomize
