How can she be afraid to give you a blowjob? It's not like your penis is going to turn on her and eat her.
Honestly, where the fuck is osama bin laden?
Security brought me back to our hotel room in a wheelchair last night. Vegas.
And if you ever tell anyone that I will fucking kill you.
Dude just walked down the street literally wearing nothing but a small box around his waist carrying a case of beer. I want to live here for the rest of my life.
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Watched him slip somethin into her drink. Dragged him of his bar stool, punched him out, and told her what i saw. Bartender used some chemical to confirm presence of rophynol. Just woke up at her place
What's the most polite way to say "Congrats on losing weight, but no one is happy your boobs got smaller."
You just kept screaming at everyone 'not to break your scarf' and doing somersaults
Whoever put the picture of my dad in the condom box is an asshole
So I hooked up with a guy with a mustache and woke up on a dragon futon underneath a dragon yin-tang tapestry... My life is spiraling in a weird way.
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It's probably because the lack of alcohol in your stomach. Alcohol kills bacteria. I am a doctor. Trust me
Literally had to stick my hands in my pants and hold my butt cheeks together while driving
I got home at 1 am on a weeknight with lube in my hair. I'd say it was a successful first date.
Also, next time I go get a wax, I'm gonna ask the girl about the innie to outie ratio she sees on the daily.
Random question, what's John-that-we-had-a-threesome-with's phone number? Don't necessarily need the full number, maybe just area code? Think I drunkenly ran into him last night and now I have texts from a John.
I LinkedIn messaged people about jobs when I was blacked out
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