My face smells like last night's lay. I need a whore bath. Or a corndog.
I accidently shit my pants. So I tried to throw my underwear in their lake, but they floated. So in the middle of the night, I got into the paddle boat and had to throw a rock on top of them so they would sink. Next time, I just won't shit myself.
I seriously just washed my dick in a public restroom. That's how dirty last night got
all i remember is being at the diner with her at 3am and her storming into the kitchen to make sure the chef gave me regular fries instead of home fries.
speaking of graduation plans, i'm blacked out eating sausage
He titled his birthday party on facebook, "BJ's in PJ's- an adult slumber party." I'm the only one invited.
there is nothing worst than getting kicked in the face by a stripper
it is a dangerous dangerous place where morals and dignity go to die and all your fantasies about men become reality.
I like how our relationship transcends the borders of inappropriateness and encompasses all the colors of the inappropriate rainbow.
You grabbed the hot guy that was making out with his girlfriend all night, slurred "I need to borrow this" then shoved your hand down his pants. All because you thought your ex walked into the bar. It was majestic in its shitshowness.
You can fuck right off with that, "If the earthquake isnt bigger than 5.0, we native Californians dont get out of bed." I am from Chicago. I can handle freak flash floods, polar vortexes and tornados. But my bed violently shaking at 6:30 in the morning is cause for some understandable concern.
I wonder if Paul and Andy realize how lucky that they are that we're too lazy to start fucking other dudes so we just stick with them
Sometimes a man just deserves to get woken up with a blowjob.
How hot? Like... how many hemsworths?
woke up with 8 used magnum condoms bound together by floss around my neck, thats about all im gonna tell you.
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