So I was talking to her on the phone last night and had to mute it so I could take a crap.
Side Note: My mute button doesn't work.
so i havent checked yet but im almost positive that my left ass cheek is bruised. any idea what happened last night.
what the fuck man? i was JUST texting you the same thing. FUCK
The best time of year to be high is WHEN THE KING CAKES ARE HALF OFF BECAUSE MARDI GRAS IS OVER YEEEEEEEEEEEEAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHH
I just reenacted what a cuntadactyl would act like by putting straws in my mouth as teeth and roaring, Plz come get me.
You tried to tell her that the salad was an afrodisiac then proceeded to stroke yourself with the feather duster
put me on a leash or i'm going to fuck someone
Thank god Shes going home for winter break, gives my dick a chance to recover from those "bjs." Youd think a senior could suck a dick by now.
well if they don't get here soon...no fuck it, I'm going to the strip club.
I walked into a room this morning and someone asked how my back was because I apparently threw myself off the porch after attempting to set myself on fire. Who the fuck let drunk me play with fire?!
Better question: who the fuck planted a tree next to the porch?!
I'm eating your cookies as payment for having to listen to you. Happy sex
Dude he's moving to fucking Germany now. What is it about your vagina that makes men want to flee the continent?
I have 13 missed calls from when I slept outside on some rocks
In tonight's episode of Travis' Fucked up Sex Life, Travis breaks into a building at Tulane to have sex with an attractive Asian man.
Taking care of drunk people fulfills my need to be a mother
all i'm saying is don't blame me if your purses are filled with whoppers
are we talking malt balls or BK?
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