It was like my butthole was peeing. Felt comforting yet not fulfilling.
i stapled my math hw together with an ear ring, too ghetto?
i had to do the walk of shame dressed as a leprechaun. I have never been more proud of my irish roots.
all nice guys are gay and all hot ones are assholes
You're fat. Stop making excuses
Puking green right now......... jaimison mcflurry very bad idea
Today needs to die. The mail delivery guy watched me throw up in my yard while taking my chihuahua out in Christmas pajamas at noon. Low point in my life.
Wait does semen show up on blood tests?
When theres a zombie apocalypse, i will be the only fat survivor. I ate chef boyardi ravioli with part of a pen for a fork
I was carrying around a bottle of Jameson yelling rescue me
I'm on the porch day drinking and the neighbor is in his yard screaming about his amazing sandwiches, maybe we should move.
Duck, Duck, Goose is now the autocorrect, safe for work version of fuck, fuck, loose.
My fire has petered out without you
My Peter has fired out without you
That might be the most romantic thing you’ve said to me, unfortunately.
You should have thought of that before emitting walrus sounds while intoxicated
I don't know who he was but he was covered up with a shower curtain and ate a whole bottle of tums
You are telling me my dick tastes like a taco supreme?
I'm saying this "taco supreme" tastes like your dick.
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