dude...i just woke up in ****'s bed!
doesn't he have a girlfriend???
yeah...who do you think woke us up...
Since she's grinding up on your thigh right now, I'm sending you this text hoping it makes your phone vibrate in her vagina
I just worked out and used handles of vodka as weights. Whoever said alcoholism is detrimental to you health obviously has no fucking idea.
How dare you send me a picture after midnight that isn't porn. You know the rules.
Ps. I feel like I may pee myself this weekend. Either drunkenly or out of excitement. Toss up
when i first looked at you, you weren't wearing any pants. but then i realized you had them around your neck as a cape.
My month off booze swimsuit season diet plan is working well. Plus I'm learning so much about my house, did you know a girl named Meagan lives here?
I really don't think there's anything more liberating than farting.in a loud bar where no one.can.hear you
Just described you as looking like "a very cute escapee from an Egyptian insane asylum"
Do you know how hard it is to be while you're high with a chuck Norris poster in the bathroom?
so, i guess i gotta chill on showing up to work hungover... someone anonymously left a bible in my work mailbox (no one else got one)
I just hooked up with the German exchange student who doesn't speak English. And you said I have no talent.
I wouldn't have found her if it wasn't for the vomit trail leading into my brother's room.
I never thought I'd be on my couch watching Star Trek, getting my tits rubbed while crying.
Grandma said I got a good handjob. I think she meant manicure.
Randomize
