I'm holding in my pee so that I can hear "Cowboy" in its entirety on the radio
i hate having sex with him only a few drinks in. i like it better when i cant remember the gory details.
I dont get it-she has sex with me but wont be my facebook friend?
the theme of the baby shower is Nightmare On Prego Street
Washing vom off hardwood, so much easier than carpet. Thank you adulthood!
I gave the naked guy in the hotel a pop tart. He stopped crying.
My mom got me high and then dropped me off at a church.
I've abandoned trying to find a logical explanation of your life.
She keeps asking if I've seen him... For the last time YES... IN MY BED LAST FRIDAY NIGHT AND THEN AGAIN SATURDAY MORNING
I had to rip your toilet paper for you...
Also I've decided that I'm buying the next friend of mine who is dumb enough to get married a live porcupine as a wedding present.
There no better feeling of self control than stopping yourself before telling your girlfriend she gives head just like her sister.
Seriously, it's 5am. STOP CREEPIN and START SLEEPIN!
He was walking around and kept offering the neighbors flamingo lawn ornaments shots of vodka.
I’m photoshopping my boobs to up my Tinder game. I need better dick in 2020
Third time this week I've caught co workers dry humping. Quarantine really changes people's priorities.
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