my mom just informed me that i masturbate loudly
I had a bacon mcgriddle for the first time today. It was like eating a baby angel.
the table of underagers at this wedding were seated 10ft from the open bar. currently 30 open containers on the table for 5 people. dinner hasn't even been served yet.
I was just on craigslist and saw and ad for a naked yoga instructor. I will no longer be jobless.
Like I said I'm looking on the bright side. The bright side just happens to be filled with penis attached to hot marines
Found your glasses drenched in ketchup on my driveway this morning
You can't find true love with Budweiser and a futon
This weekend has taught me that sometimes, being buried under a mattress is the safest place in the room.
So last night I kicked a beer can off of a frat guys head and it nailed one of my sisters in the face. Think i'll be brought up on standards?
There is no such thing as a great breathalizer story. That isn't a thing that exists.
Have bite marks on my arm where my temporary tat was Saturday night. Did someone try to bite Captain America or something?
One of the many mysteries surrounding the weekend...
Why didn't you ever bring me to the pope as a baby so he could kiss me.
He left me alone in a hotel room my last night in town to go home to jerk off and watch TV. So yeah, I guess we're not really friends.
you are the root of all my greats nights and my worsts decisions
I called plan parenthood at 407 am... Guess I was thinking ahead
Randomize
