if she shaves her mustache, i'll let her give me head
i just woke up naked on my porch, holding the neighbors cat in my arms.
2 out of 3 people here lost their shoes. America.
The AC broke so he ended up sleeping in the front yard and left his one night stand on the couch.
walked into class wearing my zorro costume. some girl just said "oh my god, i fucked zorro this weekend." I found her.
I'm high and craving hash browns from McDonalds. Please pick me up. I also would like a hug and a supportive pat on the back when you get here. Thanks.
Its two in the afternoon. McDonalds don't sell hash browns at 2 in the afternoon. Whore. The hug I can provide however.
Oh yes there is. Now I'm the sad one. Please organize my life. And I will demoralize yours.
If you can't seal the deal with her, I will. And you know I'll be successful. So there's your incentive
He's a doctor now.. hope he can cure his small dick
and then I partied with my new dealers deaf pit bull. All around a good night I'd say...
how don't worse things happen to you?
I have his gate key so know he has to see me again.
Ugh it's 2016, why can't our bodies just shed fat on their own
They left a cherry picker with the keys in it on a college campus, what else were we supposed to do?
Just realized how behind i am. Will gradually increase drinking until i don't remember that i missed an entire year of class.
So I had this brilliant idea that I would sleep in all sorts of sweatpants and sweatshirts... Apparently I thought I could "sweat" off the drunk in my sleep and that it would make me feel better when I woke up
Randomize
