while you were getting the key to the dorm from the lobby i was giving a drunk monolog to the security camera about my life
You have to understand, this is the first time I'm looking at a whopper sober.
i just opened a seperate checking account to keep track of how much i make and spend on our keggers
I made two strippers play rock paper scissors to see who would give me a lap dance last night
by the way- Brandy out of a doggy bowl was AMAZING
It's great when the cashier at the liquor store asks "weren't you wearing those clothes yesterday"
He put crushed up bacon in the joint and now we're listening to the Matilda soundtrack I have no idea what's going on
She face-timed me on the toilet. My dick is never going to recover from that.
We have six bottles of wine and we are at target buying baby oil to grease up the sleds with, just in case you're interested.
Matt you can be anything you want to be. Including the awesome guy that brings pizza to a bunch of stoned and sorta drunk kids.
i don't think i have enough personality to make it through this date sober.
However, you did manage to order seven different drinks while fingering her at the packed bar - it was like watching the pizza men pound the dough in the windows
Hung out near hay bales in sweaters then she gave me a pumpkin spice pop rocks bj. That was so freakin' seasonal.
1. so the new neighbor u called dibs on.. I'm sorry..but not really. 2. She lactates, I guess that happens when you have a kid less then 5 months ago.... WTF!! 3. Is it fucked up I'm craving Ceral & Milk now?
I don't work there anymore. If they had Prince themed dildo parties i never would have quit
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