i got pulled over in my 'cops love me' tshirt. he didn't think it was funny when i pointed it out.
I was arrested last night for attempting to flee and elude. I wasn't really trying to run from the police. I was drunk and lost in the woods. I thought it was pretty obvious when I was waving at them from my puddle of puke that I wasn't really hiding.
Found my puke from September encrusted to the floor under the dresser while cleaning before move out ..... Oh Freshman year
I have your shoes, your bike, and someones blue underwear. Round 2 tonight?
I need to find a more grown up way of dealin with a hangover at the office than pringles and mountain dew at 8:30 am...
THERE IS SOMEONE IN MY CAR MILKING HERSELF AND TELLING ME TO TRY IT
High me just had to pick the lock on my sisters room because I locked my vodka in there. I love vacation.
I just realized I wasn't at the party anymore. I was just sitting there with a vacuum.
She took all the bottles out of the shower caddy and replaced them with booze. I just made a shower Manhatten. Imma marry this one.
Who the fuck watches Jessica jones and thinks I need to call a past fling?
You ran up a $300 bar bill on his card and he didn't have you arrested, be grateful and move on.
YOU UNCULTURED BADGER
I flashed my boobs, shit my pants, and kissed the wrong twin. I'm on a roll you don't want in on.
there's fucking coffee grinds packed all inside my pipe. what did i do
He heard our neighbor’s vibrator through the wall, knocked on her door and now they’re doing it
The blonde?!? That’s just unfair! His penis already has a fairy tale existence
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