Did you go home with that guy without me?
Sorry boo - it's pouring and I found a boy with a car
dude i feel like shit
well u did eat a lot of play-doh
I cant date a girl that sucks dick at sucking dick
Superbowl + Mdma, hope we're on the same page.
I know it may not be fiscally responsible to pregame fifty cent night, but I'm gonna go ahead and do it anyway.
I've never seen a homeless man jog to get off the bus and then run to his panhandling spot because he's "late for work," but you see something new every day.
So after he broke the crutches and got us kicked out of McDonalds, we stole a bike and when we got back to the hotel, he jumped out the window into the bushes.
Yeah when he is drunk, he seems to think he is Captain Americas Canadian counterpart, Captain Canuck
She is the epitome of a puke & rally. She picked a random hott guy at the bar & made him pinky promise not to leave while she took a power nap. She went & passed out in her friends car & apparently puked just outside the bar. She stumbled in & found the randome guy again & claimed she was golden. Made it to the after party & stayed up til 6 doing body shots off every girl she saw & hooked up with the random from the bar. I love her life
gorilla chasing a banana on crotch rockets. Halloween is getting way too real
"You can go raw dog up in me". Exact words. I can't decide whether to run, or fuck. Help.
My book, "How to Live With a Huge Penis" was delivered today. Can't wait to read it in public.
I need you to perform a face transplant. Please remove your face from your accounting book and relocate it to where it's most needed - between my legs.
I woke up to Elf. I don't know which one of you put that in my DVD player when I passed out but I appreciate you.
And let me tell you, getting your ass waxed is the weirdest fucking experience.
Atleast we had sex on the couch before your ex took it from you
Randomize
