You got in a fight last night?
Yeah! Some dude in the bathroom...he was standing there and I notice he's got the same shirt as me on so I'm like...dude you should have called me, we look like idiots...he didn't say anything...so i got pissed and hit him...completely decimated and my hand was all bloody and covered with glass afterward...weird dude, never saw him again that night or since.
Um...Did this guy happen to look almost exactly like you?
Having kids is risky. They might end up weird.
Its like im going on a blind date, but ive already had sex with her
Just so you know I would totally fuck you. Does that count as a feeling?
My glasses are somewhere in your living room. Also, my underwear might be in your bathroom or on or around your porch. Sorry.
We sang "Whole New World" in harmony and he spun me around. You may now barf from the cuteness.
The venue for the new years party is close to the hospital for obvious reasons.
I was just laying in bed wondering if there's more important things in life than cheese stuffed pretzels.
I mean.. listen to "Put It In My Mouth" and you'll get the gist of my voicemail for you.
Is Facebook telling the truth about your nipples?!
If you can't trust the person at the taco cabana drive thru, who can you trust?!
Dude, you need to come and get her. She's sitting on the bathroom floor making hearts with her menstrual blood. And remind me never to let her do jello shots again
I’m going to cut back. New Year, New Me
I would never wish less dick on anyone but do what you gotta do
Okay so as of now, we may either be coming for one night, two nights, or not at all this weekend. It depends on Laura's toe and if I get my period. Will explain later
I had a dream that I was smoking rasberries out of a bong. THEY WEREN'T EVEN DRIED...
Randomize
