I thidmdmk you'gre a special person
my fingers and penis are no longer on speaking terms. My penis is too jealous of where my fingers get to go.
I bought a Christmas tree in my drunken state last night, after walking a half mile in search of vino and prior to my apparently playing boardgames with my boyfriend's family. There is no way you are on my level.
OH GOD PAJAMAS ARE SUCH A HARD CONCEPT RIGHT NOW
He kept surfacing with a delighted look on his face, guessing different types of food to try to figure out what makes my pussy taste so good.
this is random but who was banging in the shower in our condo?
i licked icing off his dick. in front of his sister.
He's hinting that I'm starting to be kicked out of their blunt rides, I can feel it.
The homeless guy out front said it's his birthday and he asked us to join him for happy hour after work. He's buying a fifth of gin to celebrate.
you are my patron saint of "too drunk for 9am". i just keep asking myself what would alyssa do as i try to regain motor function
nothing like having plan b for breakfast in a cvs parking lot before ordering this semester's textbooks
So I guess I bought a cat last night. Fuuuccckkk.
She bruised my penis again. But, trooper I am we kept on going.
How did I get up here...did jesus lift me up
I thought I was drunk because I kept grabbing his arm instead of his dick
But then I realized it wasn’t his arm and that I was very lucky
Randomize
