the bulge in his pants is not junk. its hair. trust.
she said if I bought her franzia she would blow me, and she would fuck me if I splurged on martini and rossi. Franzia it is
I'm sitting in front of the mirror eating cereal and pondering how my boobs got so big
Welcome to my life
four loko is apparently banned in the us. so i think its time for us to stock up. i already emailed them about buying them in bulk
I'm drinking vodka out of a coffee pot. and i'm not even mad about it
I would lick a homeless mans crack teeth for a cup of coffee right now.
Does buying my brother condoms for Christmas say "keep having sex with her, I like her" or "dear god, do not get this girl pregnant"?
Killing two birds with one stone tonight: mastrabation meditation. Win win.
Between having seen you naked and interpreting your values based on the occasional political FB post, you're no stranger for sure.
Also the girl beside me smells like she's been in a deep fryer.
it's a rainbow of FUCK YOU
Star Wars means nothing to me. I know only the basics. Darth is Luke's father. R2 is short, C3 is gold. Yoda sings Rainbow Connection. The kinda stuff EVERYONE knows.
It was an entirely appropriate time and place for sexual thoughts.
That doesn't make it ok to play by play me your honeymoon!
It’s a dick. Seen one, seen em all. Unless it spews a fountain of tequila, I don’t need to see yours.
You kept shouting about how you were the king of all bitches...and doors, for some reason.
Randomize
