Best news ive heard all week. The cougars r coming! The cougars are coming!
She was hit by a car at 47 mph and lived. That explains everything.
there's something so ridiculous to me about watching someone with glasses exercising. it's like watching a whore studying in the library. stop trying to be someone you're not.
My dealer, who also happens to be a male stripper, just invited me to watch him perform tonight. Boundaries buddy, boundaries.
Thinking about adopting a 16 yr old here. Her name is Abby and she likes vodka. We've bonded. I need a sober driver n e ways...
Tonight just try not to threaten to pee on the hot guys buying us drinks....please..
I took shrooms last night.. For a good half hour I genuinely believed I was black and being held captive by a leaf. Never again.
It is officially Christmas time in Chicago. There's a drunk hobo on the CTA singing the first 2 lines of Frosty the Snowman over and over and over.
Can I please come dance in my bra to destiny's child with you? I'll bring the wine and the glitter
I just want to pat him on the head, bake him some cookies, and reassure him that, someday, he will get laid.
This mustache is awesome. I can't pass by a mirror without looking in it and thinking damn, I'd like to give that guy a handy.
I'm at the nutcracker high as shit. It's so beautiful. I cried.
Omg I literally just wanna sleep with you right now. Like actual sleep. Not sex. Well maybe. But sleep first
Taking care of drunk people fulfills my need to be a mother
Every guy I've ever fucked is single right now
Pray for me
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