Fuck u you updated twitter but didn't answer my text
I know you're alive
I blacked out in 45 minutes and woke up with a missed call from someone I saved in my phone as the karate kid.
I hope God doesn't listen to everybody on a Saturday night.
You asked the officer if he could bring you to the same jail as T.I.
dipping my christmas cookies in kaluha. santa would be proud.
You hooked up with a kindergarten teacher?
Yea. It's kind of weird knowing that there are kindergarten teachers out there with their nipples pierced.
Leave it to him to get us kicked out of a bar for hitting on an 80 year old woman. I want to be that wasted one day.
Yeah I had to push her down the hallway to the hotel room in a luggage carrier. The guy at the desk told me goodluck
well, the drug dealer I've been fucking the past 5 months gave me a chilis gift card for Christmas, so things are looking up.
Please don't mistake my med student status for responsibility. I'm drinking tequila while studying vascular surgery techniques.
We had sex in the morning in pregnant lady position. Like fuck me like the hott piece of ass that I am, not your wife of 7 years.
Ultimate cock block. About to have sex and your mom calls you so you can go help your grandmother figure out how to vote for the voice on her iPad
Like, what do you do with girlfriends? Buy her dinner and just like leave?
The batteries in my vibrator died before I could finish. Which is a lot like my sex life lately......
Lets get drunk. But not too drunk that I can't work in the morning. But maybe drunk enough so we'll make out
Randomize
