I have to start avoiding pregnant women. This is getting out of hand.
So I got hit on by a gay guy. It might have something to do with the fact that I licked his nose.
And why did you do that?
Tequila
His housemate was playing a sad violin solo for me on my way out. God I hate musicians.
Do you think my job would send me for a second drug test if i took a whole pumpkin pie to work for lunch tomorrow?
....I found a picture of what appears to be the underneath side of the barstool (taken from the floor) and to top that, 9 pictures of the ceiling. Also, did I mention there's a picture with us posing with a pregnant lady at the bar?! WELP
The words "me," "sober," and "new years eve" do not go together. Ever.
Some guy just hit on me and then said, well you look too young to ride the emotional roller coaster and guestured to his dick.
Just broke my no shot rule again.. Made out with a stranger. That's 0 for 3 this month for the record
I'm chasing my vodka with snickers.
it's unicorns you uncultured swine
Well I've always wanted to get head while playing WoW...
K I'll do it, but mine is going to be WAY weirder. Your not allergic to shellfish, right?
this vacation is helping with my sexual bucket list so much. threesome, deaf guy, and outdoor sex all accomplished.
I got so tired of my roommates fucking in the tub I took a shit in it. Surprise!
Chasing shots with airborne.. Gonna get rid of my sickness and my soberness.
GOD I WOULD STAB DANNY IN THE EYE WITH HIS OWN PENIS
.........That big, huh?
No. I would cut it off
Randomize
