My husband just tried to seduce me by saying we can do it doggystyle so you can watch tv
love makes seman taste better
I am waking up at 7am to go to church with him and his family... I better get eaten out tonight.
so exactly how many freshman chicks did i tell to call me "the tripod"?
he made me have a moment of silence for the half of my ice cream cone i threw away.
He pulled his dick out during the Bourne Ultimatum, ruined it for me.
Come help me clean. I know we won't be getting our security deposit back...but I would like to move out with our dignity.
My landlord showed my apartment to a prospective tenant today and I had my vibrator and gun both chilling on my nightstand
The guy at the bar repeatedly told us he was an off duty cop from out of town, that to normal people would be the time where you stop asking him to smoke a blunt with us
I'm trying to get WebMD to diagnose me with a hangover
Dude you're fine. You're 5 minutes away from your house and you're eating fig newtons
I woke up naked and only wearing cowboy boots, wrapped in a curtain that was still attached to the pole
It's almost sad. It's like the Harambe of vagina stories really.
Looks like a sea otter shaved my vagina. Keep an eye out for me this weekend, no one can see this.
Well it was okay until he pinned my arms over my head and I found the loaded pistol tucked behind the bed... THIS IS WHY WE DON'T FUCK BOYS IN MONTANA ANYMORE
Randomize
