She asked to borrow my chapstick then said "I promise I won't get herpes on it"
he was screaming in a recently acquired accent that he paid for delivery and they could cancel the entire order if they didn't come upstairs
I thought you said it was going to get worse not hilarious.
the delivery boy turned out to be my students mother. now she knows that i have incredibly low standards AND thanks to the fact that he still has dialup the pizza tracker was way off and she rang the bell and he answered mid bong rip.
Your ability to be a slut in your nightmare astounds me
You need 4-7 business day to recover from a fingering like that.
doing a walk of shame covered in blue food coloring is only embarrassing if you make it embarrassing...actually no its embarrassing on all accounts
If it looks really sketchy and smells like burnt pizza and pot you're in the right place
I'm a gymnast. they should know better than to let me get dunk near anything i can flip on
One last thing: he lists glow sticks and tacos as things he can't live without. How would we not be friends??
I have work in an hour and I'm having trouble with concepts such as 'staying upright' and 'staying conscious'. Tie me to your wrist next time we go out drinking,
Pretty much just farted directly in a baby's mouth on the subway
So here's a tip: don't give a blowjob the same morning you're going to the dentist. Cuz they will think you have "mouth trauma."
I have sent texts to the pizza delivery guy telling him he was beautiful. Oh and you almost got a ticket for pissing in public. And I smell like cheese.
I really regret not asking “like a cupcake” when you asked me to eat your ass
My face is going numb. I think it's time I call it quits
I forget how to act sober
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