Now hope fervently that she'll do it quick and cheap, just the way i like it
I'm texring you during a blow job. She thinks I'm looking shit up. Fml. Ftw.
you dont remember trying to break dance in the middle of the casino floor on ur own throw up?
oh that explains alot.
Just found out my mom tried to sue the birth control company when she got pregnant with me...love you too mom.
Dude i'm seriously thinking about his nipples.
Last time I stayed at my moms my fucking car got set on fire sooo maybe I should think this through.
I'm wearing a real bra and real shoes. I look like a fucking lady.
Yes. No, I'm basically a superhero but with drugs. I'm robin hood. I steal from the rich (insurance and drug companies) and give to the poor (everyone I know).
I'm pretty sure my liver died in Reno and my intestines are doing hula hoops around my asshole. The bachelor party was that good.
I'm pretty sure I'm the first person in the history of this college to rollerblade their walk of shame.
I'm currently sitting beside my brother who is taking a bath and feeding him nachos while he covers his genitals. If that's not sibling bonding then I don't know what is
He wasn't excited for the fifty shades of grey trailer, so I told him we're done
You asked for his ID and then said "I am like a bouncer but for my vagina."
But what I'm actually thinking about is how everyone except me had sex on my bed this weekend and now I'm just sleeping in it with a 7 foot tall blue panda
Be happy for me... Or horny... Or be a really good friend and feel what I want you to feel. Jealousy
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