She wanted to fuck you. You threw up on her. Congrats.
everyone is single if you try hard enough
Ohh the wonderful, yet disgusting things she can do with her hair
She bet her virginity on the Celtics. Looks like Kobe wont be the only one breaking in a new ring.
thursday was literally the first time i didnt drunk eat since the bush administration and it was only because i was fucking someones boyfriend. making a mental note to do that more often.
dude. we need more in our fridge then just beer and applesauce.
I'm sitting in the middle of them on his bed, forcing them to watch Brokeback Mountain. I am the best cock blocker ever.
I'm off the liquor
You're forefathers are ashamed of you. They didn't struggle to make it to America so that you could become a soft dick
I am too drunk to be out in this weather around all these animals.
He stopped in the middle of having sex to ask me what shampoo I use. Apparently my hair smelled good
I just need like a magic vacuum to suck everything out of me and then an IV to put good stuff back in
Successfully put eye drops in while driving with my glasses on. Stoner level: expert
We just saw two bitche in pink capris jazzercising down the road. On Thanksgiving.
I'M GOING TO DIE ALONE WITHOUT ANYONE PRETENDING TO BE A MARRIED COUPLE WHILE DRUNK AT A MALL WITH ME
How was it?
Incredible. Everyone in the world should be having the kind of sex I've been having.
He should write a pamphlet or something...
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