what do kids with lesbian moms do for father's day? like do you talk about it? is it awkward? do you get the butchy mom a card?
my mom is pro-life. I dare you to fuck me.
The bride says you won't want any of the single ladies...
Let's let the open bar be the judge of that.
I'm making myself a nametag with my contact info and pinning it to myself like a kindergardenter in case I get lost when I black out on Sat.
Can we laminate it? Just to be safe.
I'll just save you what dignity you have left by letting what happened die with your lack of memory and/or liver.
I'm wearing green eyeshadow so even if I end up totally naked I still won't get pinched.
Did you high five my face last night?
Yes. Yes I did.
Just went over my top ten highlight reel with that guy I'm fucking. It was like we were sports announcers. But about sex.
We made out and he didn't grope me. I liked it. I felt like I was innocent again.
I just dumped the bloody coke bill into the tip jar while getting my hangover coffee. I'm literally going to hell.
Because that's what you do with poop. You expect the worst.
Nothing says "i love you" more than flowers and potatoes
We need a signal or code word for "I basically shaved my whole body and we should touch each other tonight".
I just got a rock from a customer. Weirdest. Tip. Ever.
after that bj i gave him, i could fucking punch his mom and he wouldn't give a shit
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