He left a cum stain in the shape of a heart on my sheets.
He's like the Bob Ross of love stains.
I just ran into the couch, vagina first.
I hope you got dinner out of it
I bought my dad an absinthe brewing kit for christmas.. looks like tripping with my dad is in my near future.
they arrested me when i was peaking, i'm pretty sure they were specifically looking for me but i was too busy rolling around, loving the grass to notice the police car..
I just saw that blonde chick you wanna bang rolling down the hall wearing a Thor mask..
Wow. We're meant to be..
So if I tell her fire is hot and it will burn her... she's probably just going to keep throwing her vagina at it huh?
The party got hot, we all started raging, took off some clothes, someone threw me in the shower and we all kept raging. Nude Rager, I was there at the point of conception.
Look, if I'm too lazy to put any effort into sexting, you better believe I'm too lazy to put any effort into dating.
I pulled a muscle last night drunk dirty snapchatting him
Dude at one point I lost you only to find you sitting in the bushes eating pizza.
Can't feel body but making pizza rolls
Fuck me first. Then we can craft and watch Terminator 2.
Sooooo drunk. We had the best sex ever and after he looked at me and said "That's whats up". I looked at him weird and he said "Young Jeezy would say it" and passed out on me naked. I think i might be in love
He kept saying "Ayyyyyyy" during foreplay... during sex.... during everything! It felt like I was having sex with friggin Fonzie from Happy Days!
Matt is trying to convince me that we have a deal where if I show him my tits he won't do cocaine. Apparently we shook hands on it?
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