you kept telling everyone that you were the mayor of silverware town
They normally just get fucked up and see who can hold their hand on the exhaust the longest. It's great
you know it's time to start studying when you've procrastinated to the point where you're reading your roommate's ex-boyfriend's wall posts from 2006.
I seriously just found a rose petal in my vagina.
Did I mention I should never take 5 Xanax and drink?
I sort of figured that out when I found you sitting on the roof of your house saying we could get in through the skylight while I called the locksmith.
btw theres a pine tree in the downstairs shower. the guys thought it would be a great free air freshener.
she asked him to cuddle cuz she was cold and instead he got up, moved the space heater to her side of the bed, and went back to sleep
I love that my idea of a romantic gesture to you is to send you a picture of my vomit saying "wish you were here". You voluntarily dated me. For six years ish.
If I don't get to have sex with him soon my entire female reproductive system is gonna climb out of my body and choke me to death
tried to suck my ex boyfriends dick last night at a bar... Happy homecoming from me to you
I'm gonna do it. I'm gonna write gay mortal kombat fanfic. May the gods be praised for whisky
He offered me my choice of the Abe Lincoln or Ben Franklin dick pic.
Just broke into the basement of my house via my american red cross blood donor card. I officially save lives
I'm sorry for peeing on you last night. Will cookies make up for it?
Talk all the shit you want but I slept in a oversized monster truck tire last night.
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