Do you remember getting into a Delorean last night?
Of course she's mad at you. You Kanye Wested a picture of her catching snowflakes in her mouth. "imma let you finish but..." was the shaft and you put two of Kanye West's heads for the balls.
i just made my gag reflex go away.
I'm watching the Australian Open. They need to slow the fuck down. It's hard enough to follow sober and now it's just pissing me off.
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One of my friends found 6 bags of gummy bears on the roof. He lives a building over. Apparently even hammered you still have quite an arm
My parents foreign exchange student just walked in on me whacking off. Welcome to America :)
Bubblewrap condoms. We can steal Ziplock's new slogan. Protection you can hear.
My mom is helping me re-arrange my room to make New Year's more hook-up friendly
I'd be careful with that one, she got 86'd from the family dollar while SOBER.
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I vaguely remember taking a yard light, holding it up like the statue of liberty, and all of us at the party chanting the national anthem. What a glorious night
Someone's vagina was extra sandy cause the left side of my bed feels like the beach.
Dude you spoke to a girl about CRICKET. She MUST want sex
We had sex to beyonce's "drunk in love" and then he order me pizza. It was perf
all I've ever wanted was a guy with twelve cats who will tie me up in bed
Btw I'm playing passed out so you can get laid but obviously you need to take the offense just ask him if he wants to go to bed and leave a cigg on the counter
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