i cant believe i hit a parked car with a pink dildo in my mouth... fuckin epic
when you get a chance can you look up 'free abortion clinic' for me? cuz i dont think i'll be lucky enough for a second miscarriage.
From the trajectory of the puke, I must have fallen off the top bunk while trying to vomit, due to the dented bucket, ruined carpet, and bruised dignity I now own.
I already wrote the apology to my liver. He knows whats up
Theres a live mouse in the toilet. Goddamn you this is why I don't party here
I cant do that to my vagina yet. its my prize posession.
Romantic bubble bath turned into splash war. We can't be adults about anything.
A gay black guy with blonde hair and a gold tooth just told me he would shit on my face.
Now it's a party.
You crossed every boundary on the boundary spectrum last night. You're like the illegal immigrant of drunk actions. No more holiday drinking for you.
I bet the guy on the treadmill next to me with the noise-canceling headphones wishes he could trade them for smell-canceling noseplugs. Hard to believe that last one did not involve any pants-shitting on my part.
Please let me buy the coffee, all my assets are in starbucks gift cards
I cant believe you made me read bad furry sexts
This morning, I found 5 naked people in Steve's bed with post sex hair, and Steve fully clothed sleeping on the ground.
sarahs drunk and is drawing dinosaurs all over the apartment. should i stop her?
whats she drawing them with?
eyeliner
no that's ok
He said he would get me a helmet and bedazzle it with my name and address so the cabs would know where to take me
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