(917) i just came from walking.
haha you just came from walking?
Also how the fuck did i get like 30 brown napkins
You were scared that your teeth were shrinking so you stuck your fist in your mouth. then you were convinced your hand was growing cuz it got stuck so yu started crying
her facebook's as public as her vagina
A cab driver remembered me by name, address, and ex fuck buddys nick name from a year ago. I mustve been one memorable shit show.
Dude I pulled down his pants and he already had a condom on
Putting the hydrocodone in Pez dispensers. Do you want Speedy Gonzales or Darth Vader?
Hey, 'thunder cock' as proud as I am for you getting laid, could you put a muzzle on her? I have to be up at 5, thanks.
Can we go to Home Depot next week? Drunk Kim broke my toilet with a hammer.
You called to teach me about fire safety, meowed a whole bunch, said "I hope you are not on fire" and hung up.
Oh I will totally be your beard, but on one condition I get to watch you and your boy friend have sex.
I'm sitting in Starbucks, waiting for direction in my life, or it to be 8 p.m. Whatever comes first.
Remember that time I got suspended in eighth grade, well it was like that but I was on acid and wearing goggles
Pro: She likes to masturbate to 50 shades of grey. Con: She reads 50 Shades of grey non-ironically.
I'm reading 50 shades of grey and masturbating while he's doing insulation downstairs. Maybe I can get him to bring me a sandwich
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