He gave me a 420 gift that consisted of a dime bag, a philly cheesestake, and a Pepsi that was still cold. If he ever wants a free bj, I got him.
My balls had bee stings let's just leave it at that.
Every time I drink before 5 somebody's pet dies
Stop drinking before 5
Easier said than done
WHY IS MY CAR MISSING A DOOR YOU BITCH
budget cuts
YOU CANT BLAME EVERYTHING YOU DO WHILE DRUNK ON BUDGET CUTS
budget cuts are serious business
I made friends with the delivery guy because he had beautiful dread locks and was a Zelda fan. He texted me after he left saying he wasn't trying to be creepy but we should be friends. We're hanging out tomorrow.
How does this kind of shit happen to you?!
Drunk me made out with someone's girlfriend last night, was invited to their place for a semi-threesome, and then walked home at three am. Can't decide if this is better or worse than drunkenly challenging everyone to taekwondo sparring matches...
Pizza rolls are incredible. They are like sex, except I have them sometimes
Just had hot animal sex with the guy who had been sending me 10 second selfie snapchats for the past month
like every night i go out someone always suggests nipple hugs so that's why I always end up topless
It's always great when the guy I get pills from sends me an email that says "I know you will get clean it's going to be hard but I know you can do it"
So, in keeping with the last two years, are we going to watch the new Hobbit movie on acid again? It's kinda starting to feel like a Christmas tradition.
Remember how I have such good luck that it's almost bullshit?
I'm afraid to ask, but go on.
someone just "made it rain" kraft processed sliced cheese. i forgot what it was like to be home...
I just wanna be naked and go frolic in the snow
Breakfast sounds amazing but can we do IHOP instead? I have to pick up a Plan B pill and there’s a CVS next to it
Randomize
