I will make out with the first guy who tries to pick me up with a lyric from a rap song. I won't even reply, just be on him like whoa.
Its official. Iv'e been kicked out of a bar in every state. I would like to take my job and travel time for allowing this to happen.
I think it was you who decided that coming home at 3AM and cooking eggs topless was the best way to end our night. Eating the scrambled eggs off each other's boobs, that was ellie's idea
it's kinda bad that we're already planning travel arrangements to his funeral
Dude Eric's high and buying everyone taquitos. How much room do we have in the freezer?
you seemed to enjoy falling down hill
wow, never heard the last few months of my life put so succint
I mean, I can get to know him eventually. The time frame doesn't really matter. I'll have sex with him regardless of whether he's interesting or not.
You're putting the star player on the bench. You dont put Michael Jordan on the bench.
Are you referring to my vagina as Michael Jordan?
Apparently I was proudly showing him the cup I barfed pizza rolls into
Woke up in the middle of my kitchen clutching a cheesy gordita crunch
lets do drugs on my lunch break tomorrow
Dinner was cheetos vodka and whiskey. This is what happens when even your booty call breaks up with you.
What's clit gel and why is it in my wallet.
Best case scenario you died and I melt into poo
She grabbed a $20 bill out of my hand, calling it a lap dance coupon and then she dragged me into her bedroom. I think I’m in love
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