My dad just drunkly made a toast in front of my entire extended family "to my daughter the recent and sucessful college and to my son the drunken whore-monger"
Notice: I will be intoxicated and in your area this evening. To unsubscribe from my sexual solicitation list, reply 'fuck off'.
He is into some weird shit i walked in his room last night he was waving his hard dick around hitting shit yellin cock fight
First night sober since New Years. I'm not sure what hurts more, the hangover or the credit dread when I find out what the tickets to Bali actually cost.
I think I just danced on the bar. With a man named Alabama.
Thank you for turning 21. I'm going to love reading your texts.
Sometimes I feel like I should become a beautician purely for my ability to shave pretty shapes into my pubic hair.
Her next conquest seems to be stealing her ex-boyfriend's new girlfriend. Pretty sure everyone involved is totally OK with this.
Well I think won that argument, as the cops were leaving, they offered me a ride to the airport
I did however clean up the cupcakes and vomit so I'm not that bad of a roommate
We've had gay sex and pie, the holiday season has officially begun.
That kid singlehandedly fucked the breakup right out of me. I'm only hooking up with Millenials from here on out.
Note to self: Calvin Klein's are not safe to shit in.
Can we be gay Bert and Ernie for Halloween?
I'm definitely not mad. My best friend is dating my drug dealer, it's impossible to be mad.
Somebody put William Shatner singing Bohemian Rhapsody on the jukebox, and the whole bar is about to riot.
Randomize
