The only thing he got me during our relationship was a cum stain in my backseat. I choose winners.
In a tragic sexting typo, I typed the word "blobjob". Now she's coming over and I have no idea what I'm in for...
He;s fine. He just kept saying "hurricane Gordon is coming to shore" and flexed his muscles a lot.
She carries a brick in her purse. I wouldn't get in a fight with her
Need you on the dancefloor. Hungry and lonely.
Oh. My. God. You texted my mom "IM BACK BITCHES!"
No I have an idea, I saw you running through the neighborhood at 3am while I searched for my flip flops in a ditch
I wanna come do a blessing for your apartment. And by that I mean I want to drink a lot of whiskey and watch ancient aliens in your apartment
Apparently I taped knives to my hands and made everyone call me wolverine
It gave me the St Patrick's Day nickname Slutty McShitfaced. I've never felt so understood.
I wish drunk me came with subtitles
He told me was "pretty like the wife in some movie where the husband is a cheater." I think I'm gonna fuck him.
No, you are in the clear. The police officer finally just said "I give up" and walked away.
I have got to stop telling people I was almost a prositute every time I drink
Remind me to do laundry tomorrow so i have something decent to take off when i get laid.
Randomize
