My girlfriend figured out who you are.
Talk about awkward... Just went to dinner with my mother and realized I fucked our waiter the night before. She HAD to see the looks he was giving me!
Well today was Thanksgiving Anti-Miracle Daydrinkathon so I had to be drunk by 2pm
Someone jacked my earrings off me or I threw em in the toilet again
I hate when that happens
this weekend destroyed me...my brain feels like the curly fry at the bottom of the bag. GAhhh come save me
that's ecstasy for ya. now I'm kinda in the mood for jack in the box.
Dude you have to come get or im gonna nail this 64 y/o woman as repayment for buying me shots of jager
Just had a horrible realization. I've fucked a guy with a webbed foot AND a guy with a third nipple.
If you call getting home safe by sprinting down Spanish Harlem barefoot still rolling then ya I made it
Every time I someone I meet again from that wedding it turns into the "Oh your the guy who puked in the hallway and passed out in front of the elevator."
haha all our friends are at the carnival and I'm on stage dry humping a 40 year old
He sent me a picture of Reese's peanut butter cups next to his dick. Of course I went over.
Red Alert: She has 3 cats, a parrot, and 2 rats. Initiate Protocol Zero and rendezvous at Checkpoint Bravo for debriefing
The number of threesomes I have agreed to seems to increase every time I talk to you drunk...
Your phone just changed "liver" to "liquor" how dose that make you feel
when your dumb AF ex “accidentally” venmos you $50 and texts you asking for it back..... —sorry I accidentally deleted your number and cashed out
Randomize
