Nothing like throwing up 1/2 price appatizers and 2 4 1 personal pitcher in uniform to remind myself what a succesful failure I am
Handle of 100 proof captain dressed like a pilgrim here we go
I feel like I knew it was fucked up, but feared that god would take my dick away if I didn't use it last night.
If I had a dollar for every time i woke up screaming for my pants i"d have enough money to buy all the beer I stole last night.
As i was laying there shouting that he dislocated my hip he actually reached his armed around and patted himself on the back
I WANT MY VAGINA TO POUND AT NICE THINGS.
Is "when in doubt date the guy with the bigger dick" a good philosophy?
I guess I was blacked out I hopped a fence and hugged a cow that night.
I feel like a pile of chihuahua shit that got eaten by a Great Dane who puked it up and then set it on fire.
Nothing kills the mood quicker than kneeing him in the face during sex
My feelings for him are donzo molonzo but I can't turn down a pierced penis...
The fact that the praying hands are in my top emojis defines how 2016 is going so far
Drunk me left sober me a shower beer in expectation of Hurricane Harvey. Drunk me is the best.
Why am I not drinking beer at 8:26am is the question
Just when I thought we may have our first low-key night together, I sang an Aladdin karaoke song to a bunch of roller derby girls, you took shots with married women, and we both fell asleep in our offices.
Randomize
