Just made out with a pet sitter. His biz card says "even hamsters". Lowest point in my life.
I either just got cockblocked or saved from a lengthy court case so I'm kinda conflicted about how my night went.
When I start carrying a bottle in my hand, jumping from boat to boat with a grenade horn. YOU should know this isn't going to turn out well.
Everyone already knows you're a drunk, they understand.
I five year old is judging me because I just opened a bottle of Sam Adams with my teeth before 8am
Don't remember shit. It was only until I saw the glaze on my forearm that I knew you drove to get donuts last night. I also spent 20$ there apparently
In college, I had one standard. Penis. A lot has changed since then. Now I really only have one standard. Breathing.
It's fine...I've done worse things to better people.
She is watching her grandpa for the day and the dude just whipped it out and started jerking off while watching the View.
started my period, we have to try again next week
if we have anymore sex before that my dick is gonna fall off. that is in no way a complaint
I feel like I should throw some tampons around my workspace so everyone will know what's really going on
We were having a serious discussion about Blue's Clues and I just kept thinking, 'you've seen me naked'.
She used to be cute, back when we were young.
Oh well, so were platform jellies. Shit changes.
I had to carry him up the hill while he was wearing nothing but knee high socks and a blue glitter sequin leotard.
Why is this not a picture message?
3 hour lecture of my biology teacher talking about isotopes and space shuttles. I'm way too high for this.
How you run into a glAss door three times in a row I do not know
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