note to self... there IS such a thing as having too many birthday shots...
why did your cousin post "out tonight" on facebook? doesn't he know it's only 1 in the afternoon?
shhh don't tell him. it's cloudy out and none of his clocks work
Fuck winter. I had to scrape my windshield, shoeless, after the walk of shame so I could go home.
I mean turning down birthday sex is never the answer
all i could think about while he was eating me out was how pretty his eyelashes were
Why we can't turn this into a healthy friendship where I cheat on my boyfriend with you and you feel better knowing everything wrong with my life is beyond me.
Going to the beach. Greeting Sandy with a blunt. Wish us luck!
By this time next year I expect us to have full time jobs that we can call out of so we can day drink on beautiful days like this. Oh, and grill.
I'd tell u there's strippers to make you get here faster, but that would be a blatant lie... There's strippers here.
I can't help that I bring out the sex in people
Dude, half of south Mississippi has seen my taint. I'm not worried.
I got poked in the eye with a penis last night. How's your day?
You told me I got kicked out of the bar for lipping off to the bouncers... what shocked me the most was that I made it to the bar
Our Uber driver pulled over to show us Tinder some dick pics. Top that.
So apparently I fell asleep sitting on the toilet last night while my drunk girlfriend sang to me.
Randomize