phil was outside the bar last night, sitting on the ground playing songs on a guitar hero guitar to people walking by for money...best version of free bird ever
I think i accidentally made vodka pancakes
just threw up on dog. broke microwave with cheese and spoon. having a bath with my barbies singing final countdown.
before you ask yes i found the absinthe under your bed. ITS THE FINAL COUNTDOWWWWNNNNNN
Drunk in a canoe getting pulled by a lawnmower thinking of you
What do you think french fries on pizza would taste like?
i already know. Delicious. Use ranch.
Where would I incorporate "your boyfriend fucked the shit out of me last night" before or after Merry Christmas bitch?
I say we start a new tradition. I came up with it all by myself. It's called work out, lay out, black out
I didn't realize how drunk I was until my vagina was in the snow.
I found three vicadin and a pint of fireball with the note. In case of emergency drink me under their sink.
I need to find another hobby that doesn't include being hungover.
Now I have to set an alarm for less than 6 hours from now to wake her up, get her showered and get her to her first day of tutoring a kid from her church. WTF is my life?
He came and farted at the same time. My life is over.
I CAN'T FALL IN LOVE WITH SOMEONE WHO HAS A LISP. I JUST CAN'T.
We were high and the scary movies were scaring us too bad. Were all watching porn instead now
There’s an entire generation of people out there who didn’t grow up watching Mr. Rogers and it shows. These Boomers need to get their shit together.
Randomize
