i just ordered a pitcher of margaritas for me and a friend but she called and canceled. oh well, looks like im getting trashed alone.
the waiter who hardly speaks english told me "i go get your medicine now"
this medicine is soooo good.
I tried to gradually lead her into my room but she wouldn't stop crying and quoting memoirs of a geisha
Just found a copy of intimate toy times in my mom's trash can...
Reason #437 to hate Louisiana: Just went to the public bathroom at work. It was so humid the toilet seat was damp and sticky. Either it's the humidity or I sat in somebody's yesterday piss. I choose to believe the humidity.
you went to subway and got pissed when they refused to deep fry your sub
I bought my dad an absinthe brewing kit for christmas.. looks like tripping with my dad is in my near future.
These old people don't even realize they're giving me weed money for shoveling snow.
Girl farted next to me in class and then denied my high five
aaaannd alcoholism beats pride. it's like grown-up rock, paper, scissors
Just for future questioning, I didnt break up with you over text
He tied me to the bed, fucked me and left me tied up until he proved to his room mates that he actually fucked me. But other than that, best sex ever!
Peeing out the car window on the way home was a nice touch. In December, in Michigan, at 3am. Never seen a girl do that before. Neither had the guy in the minivan next to us.
I woke up with the gnarliest cold/hangover combo
Thats what u get when u have butt ass naked rooftop sex at night in december
Worth it.
We found you walking up the on ramp to the highway carrying a 40 mph speed limit sign with no shoes on. Rough night?
Maverick's sitting in jail wearing a turkey costume and I am soooo jealous.
Randomize
