Just asked what her favorite part of a guys body is. She said ballsack. I'm in love.
I need Christmas break to be over. I'm tired of fucking my old High School girlfriends
is there a reason why there is cup of piss in the fridge?
no
She gives the worst handjobs, it was like raw meat on a cheese grater
I just want a pillowcase full of fast food so I can eat and sleep this hangover away
You put your name in his phone but not your number then screamed "Open the door!" and jumped out of the car
This popcorn tastes like salt and regret. It reminds me of the first blowjob I ever gave.
You've ruined popcorn for me.
He's a 30 yr old man who voluntarily goes by Stevie and his job title is "Jumbotron Operator". There's a 97.5% chance he lives in his mom's basement. STOP THIS NOW!!!
I had a dream last night that I answered the phone and after I said hello, Shia Lebeouf started yelling "DO IT! JUST DO IT!" That's when I knew, I had officially become meme trash.
who says I'm not relevant to the kids today? Just had snapchat sex, blows the roof off aim cyber sex
He had a small dick and screamed "I will kill you if you don't get hard" to it in German...awkward time to have to explain I speak German too...
This is why you need to stop sleeping with freshmen.
I could not add him. He gets 5 likes on Instagram.
You are, as of last night, the self declared king of pooping. Long may you reign.
Pro tip: When you spend the afternoon banging your boss, don’t meet your mother-in-law for dinner if you still smell like cum and watermelon flavored lube
I get sad thinking about all the sex I’m missing out on because of the virus
I instituted “quarantine and chill” months ago. It’s not like penises go soft just because they’re working at home.
Randomize
