i think i'm in class. and blacked out.
So remember when i bet you that girl uses dick to validate her existence?
...yea
She's valid.
On a list of weird places to get a bj, how weird is in the basement of a pharmacy
One of my students just told me turtles are lazy and need to get a job. Fuck yes, my job here is done.
I haven't had nearly enough lesbian experiences to fully commit to this relationship.
I woke up this morning covered in blood and peanut butter. I am now safe from vampires with nut allergies.
She found my wedding ring, sallowed it and wished me good luck explaining it to my wife before walking out. Now what?
My little brother found me on Instagram. If I'm not already the shame of my family, I'm about to be.
It's like my uterus was saying, "hey, you're not pregnant, but imagine if you were!"
Denim handjobs are the worst handjobs. I hate all handjobs. Why do people even.
I was dreaming of a parallel reality and in the dream I just looked up at my present self and was like "you're high, man"
I'm bathroom at buffalo wild wings
I think incapable of making pants work send help
She came home, put on the news, left a 20 minute drunk message on her friends machine, then proceeded to play back the entire message laughing hysterically and then just passed out
We peed on a building I think...like a building in downtown...not out of view of anyone.
breakfast this morning: omelette, Valium and baileys hot chocolate
Now that sounds like the breakfast of champions
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