Do you think Capital One would let me put the Tub Girl picture on my Capital One card?
Beat you to it.
Note to self. Condoms are not microwavable.
nothing says happy new years better than a black eye from shooting yourself with a champagne bottle
His penis was definitely too big to be the type that wants commitment. Shit.
he just chased his shot of tequila with a chicken nugget.. either its a canadian thing or hes wasted
Come over. Drunk tacos.
That isn't even a sentence.
I kept the important parts.
The guy you fucked with the lazy eye is here, im avoiding contact by texting you. But i just looked up and he recognizes me, theres no way he doesnt. I'd remember the girl who called me quasimodo all night too. Sober me feels so bad.
he pulled a $400 bottle of champagne out of the back part of his toiled and I was ready to blow him then and there
He wanted me to choke him with my feet. So now I feel obligated to start writing my memoir
That portion can talk about stepping out of your comfort zone and how it can potentially kill people
I told her my blood type was O Positive and we started making out. Bio majors are weird.
These beer shits have taken over my entire life.
As if I didn't already know that I was in the friend zone, our conversation that included the words "kiddo" and "old friend" really was a knee biter.
I DO have hobbies! I drink. I drink more. I catfish men on Grindr with photos of guys who are less attractive than me. I listen to Lovecraftian podcasts. I'm very well-rounded.
I was floored. Like way less concerned with him using drugs than I am with him not believing in evolution.
We found him sitting in the back of the club crying into a strippers lap. She told us he missed his pet frog and to come back later.
Randomize
