Take one last look at my face, because I'm drinking it off tonight.
Her best friend sent her a random hate text and the song they played at her father's funeral came on the radio. I just got cock blocked by the universe
I went golfing for the first time today!! Aren't you proud?
Driving a golf cart around all day with a keg attatched to the back doesn't exactly count as golfing
He asked me to grab his balls and yell "thats a spicy meat-a-ball" Last time I do requests.
I'm sure that's not what the inventers of the Turkey baster had in mind, but that's what I had in mine.
Well, I just hope you know I had your best interests at heart when I put your sandwich down my pants.
She broke both of her ankles trying to jump off the balcony. it's like every time she drinks she makes even more impressively bad decisions than the last time
Fuck at this point id do just about anything for 20 bucks
That has been your downfall in past encounters with 20 dollars bills
My god this is going to ruin whatever Vegas left of our souls...
I think I should just accept my destiny that I'm going to be someone's second wife
My tits sealed my fate
And I think your bro would be happy to know that when I took my bra off like 10lbs of confetti fell out. It was like my tits were celebrating being free
The ratio of last drink to last smoke is so tricky. This could go on until the booze is gone
Not only did my parents pick me up from his hotel room in the morning, but he also came outside and had a casual little chat with my dad through the driver's side windrow.
Do you think the police would frown on me opening a psych drug pharmacy on the side? Just to dispose of my drugs without polluting the water supply! It is for the animals!
Just ate Panda Express. Fortune cookie had no fortune in it. I actually prefer this. Less broken dream potential.
Randomize
