so i just drove past a racoon and a kid on a long board... god i love 4am white castle runs
I would invite you but we are high and there is an AK-47. Not your scene.
I have absolutely nothing sober to say to you.
they shut off the water. shaving my legs with soda. that desperate.
sometimes i feel like my only option in life is to be drunk or be a cat. today i am drunk
the amount of chicks and firearms here is unnerving. this will end awesomely or at the morgue.
All of the hungover. I've changed not showered but can't quite make it to the booze.
WE'RE IN THE RED ZONE PLAY THRU THE PAIN
Oh I'm definitely going to hit on her, there's no question about that. What I meant by playing it cool is I'm not going to mount her on sight.
I knew there was a problem when things got heated and instead of rushing home I offered to get bagels instead
Well if your hearts not big enough, your penis certainly is. Just have a threesome
He just felt my tits to find out which piercing I lost.
You tried to use him as a battering ram. I'm 99% certain that's why he left.
how do you politely tell someone their toddler looks alarmingly similar to the berries and cream guy
The box said 94% effective prevention of pregnancy if used correctly but God knows I’m not gonna use it right so let’s adjust that to like a 70%
I can’t believe the first text I’m sending you from this phone was about how I just got fingered in a smart car on tin can hill
Randomize
