The weather is perfect in Seattle right now. Warm enough for girls to not wear bras, but cold enough for me to see them nipping out in the shade.
is it sad that i can masturbate and get my big O just from thinking about a Tiffany engagement ring?
He told me his condom was going to expire tomorrow and he needed to use it. I can't believe I fell for it.
lady crackhead wearing pjs and a santa hat brushed the snow off my car at 7am saying "free of charge" the whole time
I just ate a fried snickers. I now officially accept all fat jokes
It's like eating cereal and milk but instead of cereal it's gummy bears and instead of milk it's vodka.
Between the booze, mechanical bulls, and penis's I think my body hates it when I'm single
he pulled a $400 bottle of champagne out of the back part of his toiled and I was ready to blow him then and there
How was my weekend? I just blew my nose and a gram of coke fell out. My weekend was fantastic.
Why am I getting texts saying are you ready for this butthole? Help
A 74 year old man offered to let me sleep on his pull out couch last night.
You were so stoked after landing that flip that you dropped acid with three random guys without hesitation
Wish me luck. My vagina needs it.
May his noodley appendage touch you.
I woke up covered in thousand island dressing. I need answers.
So i've noticed that drunk me erases sent messages to hide them from sober me, because drunk me knows that sober me will be PISSED at drunk me.
Randomize
