I introduced my face to asphalt last night. They didn't get along.
So he asked me last night if I would cheer him on while he masturbated...
What a tease, dude. She's giving me emotional blue balls.
you wore rainboots all night because you said the forecast called for wine spillage
Please tell me that's his leg and you didn't really just send me a picture of your dog's dick
I just sold some kid a bong I made out of a vuvuzela for $50. I think I found my career path.
sorry can't make it tonight, greg's getting back from italy. he's had two weeks of carbs and no gym; now's my chance to get myself a piece of that newly-fat, low self-esteemed ass.
Ummm so does anybody remember me stopping to get my ear peirced last night and make an earring out of a staple? Or did I just somehow lay on this thing and ram it through my ear?
Passive mediator is your role in this relationship. My role is dick punching arsonist
In brighter news I got condoms and a mattress protector today.
My bathing suit kept falling whenever I went under a wave and this kid caught on and kept checking them out so I told him nothing comes free $5 a boob
I need to you to send me drugs via FedEx
I have a weird question... did you bite my back last night?
The text I got from my boyfriend this morning: "babe, I'm not mad because I know you were drunk, but you kissed 3 guys last night and I wasn't one of them".
just saw a kid waiting at the door of the stairs for the elevator. there is no elevator in this building. get on his level.
Randomize
