does your mom think i'm crazy? i just realized i played both the gay dad and the ex-jew card tonight. i blame the wine
I left my toothbrush at her house. This is getting way too serious for me.
Hungover snowboarding. Puked off the lift and traumatized a group lesson for kids. Crash course on adulthood.
Just so everyone's clear, it was already on fire when I got there.
we drunkly made out in the middle of the street beside the homeless guy playing the flute. Not how I imagined our first kiss.
ALL CAPS CUZ ITS SERIOUS SHAME.
He was showing him the picture of the 40 year old woman he made out with in Florida, turns out Chris made out with the same woman.
Go her
God and karma are having a fucking field day with my body today.
I'm gonna drop in for a zip later man. It made me wanna eat my girls shampoo. Good shit
It's always awkward in the office the day after your boss sends you a dick pic.
I live vicariously through you. No one mistakes me for a hooker anymore. I look like a stay at home mom of three. On bad days of four.
I wanted sex but got Ace Ventura: Pet Detective, instead. Then I had to drive 30 minutes home wet. Worst booty call, ever.
I told him he was like my favorite pair of jeans; I may not wear them every day, but I'll never get rid of them and they make my ass look fantastic. Needless to say he was not thrilled.
hahahaha classic. this is why you are going to a college with a hospital right next to it
i just really want to fuck a guy wearing lederhosen
it'll be sexier than it sounds, i promise
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